Maxine, the gutsy Crabby Lady who entertains us with her acerbic ways, definitely has had a way to creep into our hearts speaking candidly what is on her mind and not lightening up one bit. She really does not want to give up being crabby, she wallows in crabby. She definitely has shared a lot of wisdom. Acerbic as she may sound, Maxine has kept us laughing at her ways for a long time. A lot of us can recognize Maxine in someone we know. One of my most unforgettable characters was definitely a "Maxine." She lived in a trailer similar to the "Crabby One," at a vacationing campground. Sometimes, wanting to escape her unrelenting dourness, one would unwillingly not be able to escape her sight and be charismaticly drawn into whatever was her gripe of the day. Furrowing her eyebrows, she would rant on and on with her gripes. None would be able to leave without shaking their head and laughing to themselves. You just could not help but to love her. A creation of John Wagner (the illustrator who fashioned her to his crabby old Aunt) and those who help her give voice to her concerns and constant complaints include writers: Chris Brethwaite, Bill Bridgeman, Bill Gray, Allyson Jones, Mark Oatman, Dee Ann Stewart, Myra Zirkle, Dan Taylor, and Kevin Kinzer. A. long with them, I now present you Maxine!!! 





To Know Me Is to....Well, is to Know Me.

You know that nice older lady who lives down the street and you see tending her cats or maybe cooling a pie on the windowsill?  That's not me.  Not even close.  I don't live on anybody's street-they live on mine.  I don't work well in groups, and I don't work at all if I can get away with it.  I tell it like it is, I tell it like it ought to be.  And I'm my own biggest fan.  But you're free to join in the hard-fought fight for second place.


 

Maxine, Up Close AndToo Personal.

Name:
What's it to you, pal?
Age:
Twenty-one, plus a few extra years you don't need to know about.
Birthday:
Last person who guessed won a fat lip.
Current Home:
  Mobile.
Occupation:
  Retired, but I do a lot of volunteer griping.
Favorite Hobby:
Collecting coins.  Usually from mall fountains.
Favorite Childhood Memory:
Learning to ride a two-wheeler...throughout the neighbor's flower bed.
Personal Heros:
  I have three.  Me, Myself, and I.
Three Words That Best Describe You:
Leave. Me. Alone.



A Day In The Strife.

A Page From Maxine's Daily Planner.

    8 a.m. 
Rise and whine.  Greet the world with a brisk "Yeah, whatever."
8:15 a.m.
First coffee of the day.  First pot of coffee, that is.

8:30 a.m.
Need more coffee.  I can still separate individual heartbeats.
  9  a.m.
Three- course breakfast.  Coffee, cream, and sugar.
9:30 a.m.
Make daily list of people I want to offend, annoy, or insult before lunch.
   10 a.m.
Visit garage sales to look for antiques.  But enough about my neighbors.
   11 a.m.
Organize chores into three categories:
1. Things I won't do now.
2. Things I won't do later.
3. Things I will never do.
   NOON Lunch.
Go to the "all you can eat" and "all you can regret it later" buffet.
1:30 p.m.
Bug the guy in front of me in the eight-item express lane who has ten items, because he's keeping me from going through with my two loaded carts  
  2 p.m.
Spring cleaning.  (In other words, let the dog dust the furniture with his tail.)
    3 p.m.
Cancel hair appointment; decide that because perms are so expensive, I'll just tie a sleepy blue poodle to my head and get the same effect.
   4 p.m.
Plant more crabgrass. (Hey, I love the name!)
     5 p.m.
Wrap garage sale junk to give as a wedding gift.
     6 p.m. Dinner. 
Go to drive-thru.  Order an unhappy meal.
     7 p.m.
Wedding.  Take extra rice.  (I love to pelt hard food at happy people.)
    8 p.m.
Watch a little TV.  They repossessed my big TV.
     9 p.m.
Hit the hay.  (Yep. The waterballoon just missed the farmer.)
    10 p.m.
Read a few chapters of HOW TO LOSE FRIENDS AND OFFEND PEOPLE.
    11 p.m.
Off to la-la land.  (And no, I don't mean the relatives' house.)



Maxine's Tips For Entertaining.

Easy (yet Crabby!) Hints for the Hostess.

When one hosts a dinner party, it is essential that all the place mats match or, at the very least, that they all come from the same restaurant.

Entertaining in your backyard?  The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower.  I recommend one who's muscular and shirtless.

My favorite birthday game is Pin the Cleanup on the guests.

Nothing in the world is quite so entertaining as pouring old milk into new containers before having guests over.

Getting your home in tip-top shape for a party can be fun if you think of it as kicking dust bunny butt!

Take shortcuts!  I used to offer my guests instant coffee.  They kept whining for hot water to go with it.

The best way to prepare a roast is to make an aluminum foil tent over your roasting pan.  Similarly, the best way to prepare for relatives is to pitch a tent in the backyard and stay there until they leave.

When decorating for a party, be creative with regular household items.  Some people might just see a moldy shower curtain with torn eyelets.  What do I see?  A new tablecloth.

The better you cook, the more likely your guests will return.  Which is why I'm usually not too hot in the kitchen.

Maxine Quotes

Prepare for the new world order.  The order is "Quit your whining!"

All I want is a little understanding.  Like, when I say "Get lost, pal!" I really want you to understand that.

Having a bad day?  Well, better you than me.

If you cant beat 'em, well then you're just not trying hard enough, slacker.

Ever notice how people who tell you to calm down are the ones that got you mad in the first place?

Happiness is where you find it.  Perhaps you should look someplace else.

Start each day off on the right foot, unless you kick better with your left.

I make it a policy to never take work home with me...unless office supplies count.

If not for stress, I'd have no energy at all.

Women don't need the remote control...we have the actual control.

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day.  Teach a man to fish, and the old buzzard won't be hanging around, underfoot, all weekend.

I'd eat more fruits and vegetables if they tasted more like microwaved burritos.

Ah, the thrill of watching kicking, blocking, tackling, running..... but enough about fall sales at the mall.

As far as I am concerned, the perfect bra is a sweatshirt.

Life is like an oven.  It burns my buns.

In a hundred years this won't matter.  It barely matters now.

  

Sharing with you Maxine cartoons every time I send More Mail From Mary has inspired a Maxine theme. The acerbic thinking lady has been part of my news letter since its inception when I sent just links and a Maxine cartoon to a group of my online friends. She became such a favorite and loved daily routine, I did not dare send without her. One time I absently placed above the cartoon.
"And Here is... Eloise!!!!"
(Some of you may remember this incident.) You would not believe how many teasing comments I received, I did not live it down for a long time. I am now very attentive when I type her name!  The recipe page this time is all microwavable meals. Maxine just does NOT like to cook, so the fastest way to a meal is definitely at the Microwave!
Included in the recipes is one for microwavable dog biscuits for Floyd, her boon companion and confidant. Can you tell I had fun bringing you Maxine?!?!



The one and only MAXINE © of Hallmark's Shoebox Greeting Cards!
Click here Hallmark.com for  Maxine© products.You will find many cards and products for all of us fans.

Walking Banana Breakfast

8 inch flour tortilla
2 - 3 tbsp. peanut butter
2 - 3 jam or jelly
1 sm. banana, peeled

Place tortilla on a paper towel, microwave on high for 10 to 20 seconds until tortilla is soft and warm. Spread with peanut butter, then top with jelly or jam. Place banana near the right edge of the tortilla. Fold up the bottom 1/4 of tortilla. Bring right edge over the banana and roll up.



Bacon Poles

10 strips bacon
20 long thin bread sticks

With scissors cut bacon strips in half lengthwise, making 2 long strips from each slice. Wrap 1 strip in a spiral "barber pole" fashion. Place 2 paper towels in a microwave dish (9 x 13 inch). Distribute bread sticks so they don't touch each other. Cover with paper towel.

Microwave on high 7-8 minutes.



Tupper Muffin

1 English muffin
1 egg
1 slice your choice of bacon, Canadian ham, etc., (optional)
1 slice processed cheese
Salt
Pepper
Place half of English muffin in Tupperware Crystalwave soup mug (buttering is optional). Break egg on top and puncture yolk. Salt and pepper to taste. Place meat and cheese on top and cover with other half of muffin. Seal with lid, but make sure vent is open. Microwave about 1 minute 30 seconds or more, depending on your microwave. Let sit in mug another minute, then serve.



Cheesy Grits

1/2 cup grits
2 cups water
1 teaspoon chicken bouillon granules
1/4-1/3 cup butter or margarine Dash of garlic powder Salt, to taste
1 egg, well beaten
1 cup (4 oz.) shredded cheddar cheese
1 can (4 oz.) chopped green chilies

Bring water and granules to a boil in a 2 quart microwave casserole, covered, approximately 4-5 minutes on High power (100%). Stir in grits, cover partially, and microwave for 3 minutes on High power (100%), stirring once. Add butter and green chilies. Add a small amount of hot grits to egg to temper. Stir the egg mixture into remaining grits along with cheese, garlic powder and salt. Stir until melted. (Grits may be made to this point early in the day and cooked later, if desired.) Microwave, uncovered, on Medium power (50%) for 7-8 minutes, or until bubbly. If browning is desired, lower power to Low power (30%), and slow cook until edges begin to brown and center is firm.  If doubling this recipe, you will need to add approximately double the cooking time.



Presto Pizza

1 English muffin
2 slices of tomato
Pinch of dried basil or oregano
2 slices of Mozzarella cheese
Choose your own toppings: Pepperoni, mushrooms, etc. (optional)
Split muffin in half and place tomato slice on each half. Sprinkle tomato with basil or oregano. Top with cheese and toppings. Place on paper or microwave-safe plate. Microwave on Medium-High (70%) power for 2 to 3-1/2 minutes or until cheese melts.
2 servings



Macaroni and Cheese

A topping of buttered bread crumbs or crushed potato chips provides a brown, crisp appearance.

4 cups cooked hot elbow macaroni
4 tablespoons butter or margarine
2 cups grated mild cheddar or American cheese
3/4 cup milk
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon pepper
1/2 cup fine dry bread crumbs
In a 3-quart casserole combine the hot macaroni and 2 tablespoons butter; stir until the butter is almost melted. Add the cheese, milk, salt, and pepper, stirring well to blend. Cover tightly and cook on MEDIUM (50%) for 12 minutes, or until the cheese is melted and the milk thickens, stirring every 4 minutes. Set aside.

Place the remaining 2 tablespoons butter in a 1-cup glass measure. Cook on HIGH (100%) for 35 seconds to 1 minute to melt. Stir in the bread crumbs. Sprinkle on top of the macaroni. Let stand for 2 minutes.

Variations:

Macaroni and Cheese with Potato Chip Topping: Substitute 1/2 cup crushed potato chips for the bread crumbs and remaining 2 tablespoons butter.

Macaroni and Cheese with Zing: Add 2 dashes Tabasco to the milk before stirring into the macaroni.

Macaroni and Cheese with Ham: Add 1 cup chopped cooked ham to the finished macaroni and cheese.



Lickety-Split Nachos

4 cups corn chips
1-1/2 cups (6 ounces) grated Cheddar cheese
Toppings: olives, green chilies, etc. (optional)
Picante sauce to taste (optional)
Spread corn chips on microproof serving platter. Sprinkle with cheese and drizzle picante sauce over. Microcook on high (100%) 1-1/2 minutes, or until cheese is melted. Serve at once. Spanish Rice….



Microwave Chicken Burrito

2 onions, chopped
4 cloves garlic, minced
2 Tbs. olive oil
1 lb. ground chicken
1/4 cup dry white wine
1/2 cup prepared salsa
8 flour tortillas
2/3 cup shredded cheddar cheese
2 cups shredded lettuce
1/2 cup tomatoes, chopped
1/2 cup sour cream
Combine first 3 ingredients in a microwave safe bowl. Microwave 2 minutes on high, uncovered, or until onion is wilted. Add chicken, wine, and half the salsa. Season with salt to taste and stir to mix thoroughly. Microwave 3 minutes on high, uncovered. Stir to break up meat and microwave another 4 minutes, uncovered, or until most of the liquid evaporates. Spread mixture in center of tortillas and cover with cheese and remaining salsa. Layer with remaining ingredients and fold up tortilla. Microwave 1 minute on high, uncovered, or until warmed.

This recipe serves 4 people. Due to the nature of this recipe, it adjusts the number of servings in multiples of 2 only.The instructions describe how to prepare the ingredients for one pan. There are enough ingredients to prepare 2 pans.



Micro Wave Tater Tot Casserole

1 b. lean ground beef
1 medium chopped onion
salt and pepper to taste
1 tsp. Worcestershire sauce
1 can mushroom soup
1 pkg. tater tots

Brown beef and onion in skillet; drain and add Worcestershire sauce and soup and pour into casserole. Top with the tater tots and microwave on high until tater tots are done. Serves 4



Apple Cabbage Salad (Microwave)

1/4 cup sugar
3 tsp. cider vinegar
1 tsp. cornstarch
2 Tbsp. salad dressing
1/2 tsp. celery seed
2 Tbsp. plain yogurt
1/4 tsp. salt
6 cups shredded cabbage
1/8 tsp. dry mustard
2 Ginger Gold or Red Delicious apples, cored and chopped
3/4 cup water

Combine sugar, cornstarch, celery seed, salt and dry mustard in 2-cup microwave safe cup or bowl. Gradually stir in water and vinegar until smooth. Microwave on high, uncovered, for 3 to 3 1/2 minutes or until mixture boils and thickens slightly, stirring once. Refrigerate until chilled, about 3 hours. Mix in salad dressing and yogurt. Combine cabbage and apples in serving bowl and pour on dressing. Combine cabbage and apples in serving bowl and pour on dressing. Toss lightly to coat. Serve immediately or refrigerate. Makes 4 servings.



Chicken Drumsticks with Black Bean Salad

2 packages refrigerated roasted chicken drumsticks (about 3/4 pound each)
3/4 16-ounce jar sweet red-pepper slices (about 1 cup)
2 15- to 16-ounce cans black beans, rinsed and drained
1 16-ounce can whole-kernel corn, drained
3 tablespoons chopped fresh cilantro (optional)
3 tablespoons lime juice (about 1 large lime)
2 tablespoons olive or salad oil
2 tablespoons honey
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
1 small head Boston lettuce
Heat chicken drumsticks as labels direct.
Meanwhile, remove red-pepper slices from jar and cut into 1/4-inch-wide strips. Place pepper strips in large bowl; add 2 tablespoons of liquid from jar. With rubber spatula, gently stir in black beans, corn, chopped cilantro, lime juice, olive or salad oil, honey, and black pepper.
Arrange Boston lettuce leaves on 4 dinner plates. Spoon bean salad on top of lettuce. Arrange roasted chicken drumsticks on plate with salad.



Microwave beer bread

1 Loaf
2c Self-rising flour
1c Flour
3tbSugar
12ozBeer
1tbButter; softened
Cornflake crumbs
Mix together all ingredients. Spray a glass loaf pan with cooking spray; sprinkle bottom and sides with crumbs. Spoon batter into pan and top with butter and a light sprinkling of cornflake crumbs. Microwave on MEDIUM for 9 minutes, then on HIGH for 2 minutes.



Microwave Orange Crumb Cake

2 c. flour
1 c. sugar
1/2 c. margarine
2 tsp. cinnamon
2 tsp. baking powder
2 eggs
1 c. orange juice

Combine flour, sugar and margarine with pastry blender until mixture is like cornmeal. Combine 1 cup of crumb mixture with cinnamon; reserve for topping. Add baking powder to remaining mixture; blend well. Beat eggs with orange juice. Mix lightly into crumb mixture. Pour into lightly greased 9 inch square baking dish. Sprinkle top with cinnamon crumbs. Bake in microwave, full power, for 4 minutes. Turn half way around. Bake four more minutes.

Serve warm or cool. (This coffee cake can be frozen).



Rice Crispies Pops

Makes 14 pops.

6 cups rice crispies
10 ounces mini marshmallows
1 cup M&M candies
1/4 cup margarine
14 small drinking cups
14 popsicle sticks 
In a large batter bowl, combine margarine and marshmallows. Microwave on High (100%) for 2 minutes. Stir well.
Add rice crispies and M&M candies. Stir well again.
Fill each cup with rice crispies mixture. Press lightly. Insert stick. Let cool completely
before eating.



Some More S'mores

1 serving.
2 graham cracker squares
1 piece milk chocolate bar
1 large marshmallow 
Place graham cracker on a paper plate. Top with chocolate bar piece and marshmallow.
Microwave for 15 to 20 seconds on High (100%) power or until marshmallow puffs.
Top with another graham cracker square and allow to stand 1 minute or until chocolate melts.



Microwave Carmel Corn

2 Bags microwave popcorn
2 c Brown sugar
1 Stick of margarine
1/3 c Karo white syrup
Pop 2 bags of microwave corn.
Put popped kernels in brown paper bag (make sure you take out all unpopped kernals) Boil the following ingredients for FIVE MINUTES on stove, 2 cups brown sugar, 1 stick of margarine, 1/3 cups of karo syrup (white). - stirring constantly Carefully pour mixture onto pop corn and mix. Place in microwave oven for 1 minutes and then mix again. Tear open bag and let cool.



Zesty Party Snack Mix

4 c. oven toasted corn cereal squares
2 cans (1 1/2 oz each) Potato sticks
1 c. peanuts, honey roasted
1/4 c. Worcestershire sauce
3 T. butter, or corn oil, melted
1/2 t. seasoned salt

Place cereal, potato sticks and nuts in 3 qt. microwave safe bowl. Combine remaining ingredients; pour over cereal mixture. Toss well to coat evenly.
Microwave, uncovered, on high for 6 minutes, stirring well every 2 minutes. Transfer to paper towels; cool completely.

Notes: Zesty Variations:
Tex-Mex Snack Mix: Add 1 t. each chili powder and ground cumin to butter mixture. Substitute 1 c. regular peanuts for the honey roasted nuts. Prepare as directed.
Italian Snack Mix: Add 1 1/2 t. Italian seasoning and 1/2 t. garlic powder to butter mixture. Substitute 1/2 grated Parmesan cheese and 1/2 c. sliced almonds for the honey roasted nuts. Prepare as directed.
Indian Snack Mix: Omit seasoned salt. Add 2 t. each sesame seeds and curry powder and 1/4 t. garlic salt to butter mixture. Substitute 1 c. cashews for the honey roasted nuts. Prepare as directed.



Canine Cuisine

(these cookies Maxine bakes for Floyd)

Microwave Dog Cookies


1 c. whole wheat flour
½ c. flour
¾ c. low fat milk powder
½ c. quick rolled oats
¼ c. corn meal
1 tsp. sugar
1/3 c. shortening
1 egg
1 tsp. bullion grounds (chicken or beef)
½ c. hot water

Mix ingredients in order.
Roll out and cut biscuits (I use a bone-shaped cookie cutter).
Microwave on high for 5-10 minutes, until crunchy.